Submissive Girlfriend – How Can I Give Her the Sex She Wants – Ask Olivia

Photo of author

Olivia Isabey

About the author


restrained during submissive sex

Hi Olivia!

I have a problem that I would like your take on. Your advice is always very actionable and concrete, which is what this situation calls for. My girlfriend is submissive and she really likes submissive sex.

I’ve never had this kind of sex. Even the porn I watch tends to be very vanilla and soft. If there is a “porn for women” section on the porn site, that’s where you find me. A forgiving light, long kisses, and piano music is my jam.

Just kidding, kind of. I know many women enjoy submissive sex and being dominated by their men. And now, apparently, my own girlfriend is one of them, so I need to step up my game.

We have tried a couple of different things. But things have not been going so well. I feel awkward and self-conscious. Needless to say, I have had problems staying in the role.

It’s not only that the whole thing feels fake to me. This kind of submissive sex does next to nothing for me. If anything, tying up my girlfriend and calling her naughty, makes my dick shrink a little bit.

But I’m crazy about my girlfriend. She is the best and I’m more than willing to work on becoming the kinkiest version of myself I can possibly be.

Where to Start?

How do I start?

Any tips for feeling less awkward and more in the moment?

I might be the most vanilla man on earth, so go gently with me. Though my girlfriend doesn’t care. She is confident that she can deprave me, and I hope she is right.

She doesn’t only enjoy submissive sex, she also enjoys femdom (when the woman is dominating the man). Thus, I’m looking both for tips on how to be more dominating and how to be a good submissive.

But of course, being the one who’s supposed to dominate is the thing I find most difficult.

I’m sure many men struggle with this. I’m a nice guy, it’s not in my nature to dominate and humiliate my girlfriend. Even if it turns her on.

I’m sure there is a way to do this that satisfies us both. And you are the right person to ask.

Bring on the homework.

Alex

My Answer to – Submissive Girlfriend – How Can I Give My Girlfriend the Submissive Sex She Wants

Hi Alex!

First of all, great question. I’m sure my answer can apply to a lot of different situations, not only to submissive sex. Regardless if we enjoy submissive sex or not, we can all benefit from bringing in a more playful and adventurous side to our sex life.

When two people meet each other and fall in love, it’s only natural that their sexual preferences don’t exactly match. We like different things. Simple as that.

To make the sex life work for both parties, there is going to be some giving and some taking. It sounds like you have the right attitude.

You are prepared to try things out, and you are also open to the possibility that you might discover new things about yourself. Keep this open mindset. Maybe you end up discovering different aspects of submissive sex that really turns you on, but that you have never thought about before.

Our sexuality should be a landscape we continue to nurture and explore during our lives.

Start Slowly

You are on the right track with going slowly. If you try to do things that are way out of your comfort zone, it will indeed feel fake and contrived. Try to find things you actually like in the area of submissive sex, or can imagine liking and go from there.

Don’t jump into the deep end straight away. To slowly build your way to kinkier sex is a nice process I’m sure both you and your girlfriend will enjoy. Judging from her comment, this seems to be what she already has in mind. Start out easy and make the approach playful.

First of all, I think you need to re-frame the way you regard dominating and being dominated. Some BDSM and other forms of kinky sex are about violence and humiliation, but a lot of times, the violence is about intense sensations, and the humiliation is about vulnerability.

To be dominated is about giving up control to someone that you already trust. Keep this in mind. BDMS is a consensual game where both partners agree to experiment with emotions and sensations and different parts of themselves.

Have a Safe Word

Make sure you have a safe word. This is such a classic advice that it has become a pop-cultural cliché. But there is a reason why this is the first and most important piece of advice.

A safe word will make you know the difference between when she pretends to protest, as a part of the game, and when she wants you to stop, for real. Having a safe word will make you feel absolutely sure that what you are doing is indeed something that turns her on and not something that hurts her. This way, both of you can easily stay in character.

Here are a couple of tips to get you started on becoming more dominating in bed. Don’t let her take off her clothes. Insist that you do it, and you choose if it’s going to be fast or slow. Blindfold her and use a lot of different things to evoke sensations in her. Feathers, ice, whips.

Think Differently About Dominating

To be successful with the different techniques, you need to re-frame the way you think about dominating. Instead of pleasure being something you take from her by being dominating, it’s something you give to a submissive girlfriend by being more dominating.

For example, tease her until she becomes so horny she can’t take it anymore and begs you to take the next step. Make her ask you for something and then deny it. Tell her she hasn’t deserved it yet.  

Pull her hair, this can be done in a lot of situations. When you are having sex or during foreplay. Grab her hands and pin them down to the bed. Since it’s hard to both pin down her hand and do a good job teasing her, this is where ropes or handcuffs come in. Tie her or handcuff her to the bed or to a chair.

Take this opportunity to use a sex toy on her, to help make her excited. Bring in a ball gag if she is comfortable with it. Tell her she can’t come. Or that there will be a punishment if she does come.

The same principle goes for dirty talk, start slowly and work up your ability. If you go straight to the non-vanilla stuff, it will indeed feel contrived. Prepare a couple of phrases you feel comfortable saying. Examples of this can be; Do you like it? Do you like how hard my cock feels? You are such a bad little submissive girl, aren’t you?

How to be a Good Submissive

As for being a good submissive. To give power to another person can be a thrilling experience. Give in and enjoy that feeling. Discover what might turn you on by experimenting with being less and more submissive and let your girlfriend punish you.

If you feel awkward being submissive and being you, try finding out roles for yourself. Your girlfriend can for example, be your queen, and you can be her slave. Or she can be a lady, and you can be a servant. Find roles that you feel suit you.

Talk Afterwards

You should also set aside time and space to talk about the experiences afterward. Experimenting with different forms of submissive sex can be a powerful experience. When you are done with your playtime, make sure you hug, kiss and share your different emotions regarding what just happened. Give each other plenty of closeness and tenderness.

This should be an experience that brings the two of you closer together. Talking afterward is a way to explore the experience between the two of you and tell each other about different feelings that came up or could come up.

Tips on How to Become More Dominant

Keep on educating yourself, there is a lot of information out there. Read a couple of books and watch some educational videos as well as some exciting videos. If you haven’t already, you can start out by reading the novel that made submissive sex mainstream; Fifty Shades of Grey. Or maybe watch the movie together with your girlfriend.

Here on ThePleasureKeys, we have a good article about Taboo sex, where Joe Nathan gives some great tips on how to become more comfortable with dirty talk. We also have articles about how to take charge in bed as a man and another one with tips on how you can be more aggressive in bed. All of these articles will help you to act with more dominance.

If you’re thinking about getting some BDSM equipment, I recommend you check out our guide on bondage kits.

There are plenty of different ways to play with submissive sex, you should be able to find what suits both of you.

Enjoy the homework!

Olivia


How to Become Amazing in Bed

Want to know the secret of becoming amazing in bed, to give your woman the best sex she’s had in her whole life?

I’m Joe Nathan, the creator of The Pleasure Keys. Way before I started the website, I learned that sex is a skill, and just like any other skill, it can be improved to perfection.

To learn how to give your woman amazing experiences and how to fuck her like she’s never been fucked before, I recommend my ultimate guide to become an amazing lover.

Best of luck
, Joe


Share
Photo of author
Written by:

I’m Olivia Isabey, a licensed sex therapist and a freelance content creator with a genuine passion for writing. I'm part of the team that answers your questions here at The Pleasure Keys. When I’m not freelancing, I’m an enthusiastic longboard surfer and Ashtanga lover.


ThePleasureKeys.com site logo

The Pleasure Keys is the number one website focused on men's sexual well-being. It is founded by Joe Nathan, the author of The Master Key.

If you like our content, share it with your friends and help them get the most out of their sex life.




Related Articles